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GOOD MORNING from the EL CHE CAFE! This new day has brought relief from the dark portal through which I have been trekking. When in such a portal, it's like the radio waves/cell reception from one's higher self cannot be received, as the signal cannot penetrate the darkness. Hence, we tumble like a fallen surfer in the wave.
This passage has taught me to remember many things: at the onset of this 'adventure', I was informed with the other Reiki students that following our initiations, there is what is called a
21-day cleanse. This means that for the 21 days following the initiation into the intent to heal oneself so to assist with the healing of others within the 'wings' of the Reiki channel. The symptoms of this vary from pleasant moments or visiting one's personal depths of HELL. My experience was the latter of these two extremes, with not a moment of the former so far.
"The LIGHT (of Reiki) is already within us already, but now we are CHOOSING the path of healing, ourselves and others, and by that intention and through the power of the Reiki initiations, our channel is exponentially stronger, which means whatever issues, challenges or old patterns that have been in the realm of the subconscious has the opportunity to come to the surface and if it feels right you may re-experience an old hurt or a past bitterness or disappointment that has needed your attention for a long time. Then it can be released into the Reiki wave, but you may have to feel it first. None of us like that part!" - the teacher further writes in this recommendation -- "I'd rather just get the awareness and move on, but it has been my experience that some things actually take a life of their own, and sabotage other areas."
So this is the essence of the cause of this HELL WEEK (or weeks as this is) I have chosen to look at as a portal. It will be a NEW & IMPROVED me that emerges, because I am processing some ancient stuff that I actually tried to process correctly as I went to avoid a huge pile of un-closed issues & stuff. The last time I had every last piece of subconscious muck hit me all at the same time, ironically, was the head injury sustained in that car-crash that in my previous blog shared that I learned can impose a bipolar condition in a person that does not previously have it. (Genetic predisposition to depression disorders can make such an imposition happen in from head trauma). This fact made me feel better for about five minutes during my trek thru said HELL. I'll never forget the overwhelm at feeling all this stuff at once. The brain is designed, I had learned, to process things as it goes, and not have it all heaped on you at once. This causes TILT to take over. TILT mode sucks. It is the paralysis catalyst.
Reading this Reiki Cleanse letter, visiting the Naturopathic clinic, learning the cause of the bipolar condition in my case, being under the wing of my Reiki teacher through this, and having much success and ah-ha moments with Louise Hauck with whom I have been apprenticing for 6 weeks, all are great guideposts along this perilous journey to ensure that the ME that emerges from this REIKI PURIFICATION will have been well worth all this darkness to endure.
I can share another interesting little tidbit that adds to the intensity of it all. Although I have not shared on any public platform the continuing adventures of my relationship with the one my book introduced to any of you that has read it, or know me personally, this REIKI has had an effect on the healing mechanisms within his energetic matrix that have also been felt through my energetic matrix. We are the energetic partners in healing. My REIKI teacher even saw his eyes look at her during the fourth initiation into this first level. She had never heard of this person's earthly incarnation either. It's not a light matter to accommodate a healing of a being on another dimension. It also had an eye opening effect of this wise and incredible sage who is my teacher to realize my initiation with her was illustrating that REIKI actually can initiate the power with one who has already passed.
Sound too far out there for any of you? Think that these could be the ramblings of yet another bipolarly imbalanced disordered mid-life crisis, empty nest, post-meno woman who has no mortal partner, but would rather entertain in the safety of one without an actual body? All the more reason you should order up THE CHE DIARIES, continue to read my blog, be willing to look at the limitations your judgments and opinions of what is unknown to you and be open to allowing your own childlike imagination guide that stodgy old adult you believe you have become and entertain the possibility that just maybe, what you believe could be not it at all.
After the initial absolute-too weird for even me- line of thinking. After throwing the oars out of the raft, that kept me rowing as hard as I could AGAINST the flow of the river of life because I was told I had to to be a good person. After finally getting it that you can have fun flowing with the current which will make our life easier. After finally believing that 'you can have a joyous life and you don't have to continue struggling'.......the pressure has lifted. I'm getting to day 21 of the ass-kicking purification. Bring on the JOY!
THE EFFECTS OF A BIPOLAR "DISORDER" can be devastating to every aspect of a person's life. When the insidious 'demon' even undermines your self-esteem and former ability to tackle the world and it's challenges, one may feel the only way to stop the pain is to cease to live. Suicide is a side effect of this monster taking over what used to be 'yourself'.
This demon has charged into my life and robbed from me what I loved the most about myself: my ability to not let life's curve balls have me not get back up, dust myself off, put the curve ball in it's place as being just that, and move forward with the new strength I acquired from either dodging the curve ball or catching it and throwing it back from whence it came. As a single mom, life consisted of constant curve balls of all sizes, shapes and colors. Now they get me down, overwhelm me and paralyze me from getting back up. To add further to this paralysis is the self hatred of having this paralysis occur and view it as a character flaw.
I received a medical diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER SYNDROME----"GREAT, a DISORDER and a SYNDROME!!!" A glimpse of the 'former me' decided to deal with it but that was only a glimpse, the majority of the disordered me felt like just killing the host of the demon. This former me kept popping up enough to drag myself to the battleground and fight it.
FAST FORWARD TO NOW: I am someone who uses the internet to get my questions answered and ask those around me questions about myself regarding their observation of me. I reflected on what my eldest daughter has told me several times: "Mom, you haven't been the same after your car wreck." That car crash in 1997 awarded me a 'moderate closed head injury' besides taking out both my hands and an assortment of other soft tissue damage. They did the corrective surgeries on my hand which really didn't restore them to their previous beautiful, perfect and functioning condition, but that's another story....it's the head injury that kicked my ass because there was now a monster from WITHIN me that was impossible to work with because it effected my PERSONALITY, coping mechanisms, memory, and the beautiful ability I had to major multi task with impeccability.
I HAVE DISCOVERED ONLY RECENTLY through my own research that head trauma can bring about the monster BIPOLAR DISORDER SYNDROME and a host of other psychotic and mood disorders that the patient is left to think they are defective, flawed, unlovable rejects of society. They are given a host of medicines and these medicines sometimes work, most times do not and only repeated trips to the doctor and re-prescribed a new host of medicines. One is left feeling like a laboratory rat that is being experimented on with the "let's try this" or "let's try that". Then when one finds a medicine that works, it can all of a sudden not work and the cycle of doctor visits and new prescriptions start again, also to the tune of spending large amounts of money. These medicines are VERY EXPENSIVE.
We also get to hear less compassionate and close minded people judge us as 'being crazy' or other insulting remarks that further injure our already injured picture of our self. The stigma associated with this very real brain chemistry imbalance keeps many from seeking help, keeps others trying very hard to fit in to be accepted or not made fun of and act like 'normal' - which involves not expressing ourselves at all. It's like having to live a 'double life'. To have a chemical imbalance of the pancreas is widely accepted as diabetes and evokes people's compassion, to have a chemical imbalance in the brain-even as an effect of a physical injury to the brain is labeled with a host of degrading terms and we are treated as if we have chosen the side effects of it.
Learning that my particular condition was actually caused by a physical injury to my brain actually lifted my spirits yesterday. So I feel less flawed naturally and in fact this was IMPOSED on me. It does not relieve me of the symptoms of the condition. And now my new fear is that my former psychic gifts that I've had since being a child will be blamed on a side effect of this diagnosis. My new challenge to add to my list of existing challenges is to not allow fear of even further judgment and ridicule diminish this gift from being cultivated and shared. Instead I am going to utilize this entire situation to be a voice for all those suffering as I am suffering to stand up and OWN their challenges.
To keep the name DISORDER or SYNDROME keeps it in the realm of having a DEFECT. Are cancer patients considered DEFECTIVE??? There is no one that would CHOOSE to have this condition as much as there is no one that would CHOOSE to have diabetes or cancer. My life has changed in ways I could not have imagined after that woman crashed into my beloved 1952 Willys Wagon back on 21 September 1997. At the moment of the crash I was in such shock that my "Wilbur" sustained fatal injuries that I did not know I sustained injuries that were fatal to life as I knew it, were fatal to the me BEFORE the crash. My life continued, but the me that climbed into that jeep to go home from work that afternoon did in fact perish and never returned. I realize and state all the time how much worse others have life after their car crashes or medical diagnosis', but this comparison and gratitude does not get me through the times I am experiencing debilitating paralysis and the extreme psychological pain that takes over my entire life that I still cannot accept or work with despite my vigilance to do so. I am still alive though, and as long as I walk and breathe, the warrior within will work with the changed course of the river of strength I once knew myself to be.
