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TWENTY EIGHT DAYS. An experiment I am proposing to Mr. Smith, my creative partner.
The video will run for 28 days in my life, capturing a major shift that I sense is in my immediate 'future'. The holidays are upon us, which in and of itself instigates shifts and upheavals in many human lives on the emotional and pain-body fronts. The ending of the current year and the promise of the new one is also a potent set of circumstances in the human life cycle for huge shifts and emotional turmoil, as we review where we've been and map out where we think we would like to go.
Another wintry storm is upon us, following the first of the series that knocked down trees and broke their branches both on my property and all over town. I was in sunny, warm Houston during that first cold and destructive storm. A huge tree fell across our driveway taking three others with it. My son in law had some intense chain-sawing to clear the way....ah, life in the country! The huge old oak that arches way above my bedroom which is a yurt gives me the feeling of playing Russian Roulette each night that I go to sleep in there. As this storm has taken down and broken the limbs off small, healthy and younger trees, this big old oak is now posing a red-alert threat. Whatever the price to have it taken out will be cheaper than the cost of the tree taking me out.
Thanksgiving successfully behind us, Christmas looming in front. But what is more on my plate than either a turkey dinner or holiday gift giving is the personal shift I am experiencing regarding my own personal pain body and the role of motherhood, grandmotherhood and mother-in-law-hood. I realize I love walking the streets of other countries and places is because I do not identify or am identified with any of these roles. I embraced motherhood and gave it my all in my youth, as my values were to bestow upon the people that came to me in the form of my children a healthy set of life tools to take them through their course in balanced ways. To give them no belief system except an open mind and realization of their own power to create the lives they envision. To have them trust in the Source of all Creation, and yes, I called it GOD in those days, and sometimes still do.
As a single mom, this took almost all of me. It was a job worth doing well and I have the peace of mind that I pulled that off. However, I AM DONE. I have experienced joy from the honorary place of Grand-Mother, and now, even that role is changing for me. It is seriously time for ME. I am not the typical grandparent who lives to babysit and goes to goo over cute antics. Yes children are cute, but cuteness can be a huge distraction to staying on course with the consistency necessary to raise a child who has self discipline, respect for others and a healthy regard for boundaries. Children are NOT cute who do not have these attributes imparted to them.
To any I may sound 'old fashioned' to, hear this: well mannered children are not old fashioned, even though I witness the majority of children exercising strong wills with hefty doses of disrespect toward their parents and other adults. Being as caught up in the multiple forms of networking media that I am witnessing with the parents, development of GOOD CHARACTER seems to be left in the dust, deemed as out of style and too troublesome for parents to stay consistent with. Of course I witnessed this same thing when I was a parent of young children. It takes more than most people are willing to give to their children in the form of consistent guidance. The little things push and push and push some more and yes, they all drive their parents crazy.....but being aware of this cycle is the first step in dealing effectively with it. The second step in dealing effectively with it is knowing that the long term effects of the adult you will produce from that child rearing lasts way longer than their cute little childhoods.
I am thankful to have successfully completed Parenting 101-1001. I am successfully saying good-bye to the role of caregiver and mother of others and beginning to give myself that care and nurturing. It is TIME FOR ME. I am not looking for a boyfriend to love me, because I will spend that energy loving myself. There are enough people that love me in all kinds of ways, and I don't feel the need to look for or try to attract THE ONE. The only ONE is the Source of All Creation, of which we each are a tiny expression of. Life is inherently good, and focusing on that GOOD will only bring more good things, experiences and creation of a joyous life.
We all strive for balance. Sounds simple - ISN'T. After all, what IS balance? We each have our own interpretation of what a balanced life is, and maybe our interpretations aren't actually accurate, but recitations of what we think it SHOULD be based on what we read or have seen on TV.
Same goes for HAPPINESS - what is it exactly? A good mood? A feeling of contentment based on life conditions, environment, the way people treat us, how much financial security we think we have? How happy are you AFTER your vacation?
Does living a balanced, happy life mean we can count our blessings despite challenges, and be returned to a state of joyous-all-is-well state of mind after a brief upset from some event?
Personally, I have always counted my blessings, and basically it was because I wanted to teach it to my daughters when raising them. As a single mom, there were emotional & financial challenges constantly, and to be a positive influence, I had to live what I wanted to teach. Example by living is more powerful and influential than mere words to a child. Children don't learn by hearing, they learn by observing. Sounds easy - ISN'T if you're trying to be consistent.
The girls are grown w/families of their own. Ironically, I am having issues in living my life as I have lived and taught my daughters when I was younger. I find myself in more bad moods and of bitter mind than I want for myself. I do count my blessings, I have a gratitude journal that I write at least 5 things I am grateful for each morning before I start my day. (Honestly, I don't do this every SINGLE day, but my days go better when I DO write in this journal)
This always worked in setting my day to start out in a feeling of gratitude for life's blessings, (even if one particular morning the only thing I can think of in the moment to be grateful for is the aroma of my morning coffee) inviting more blessings into my life. Now I write it with the taste of a bitter pill in my psyche. There is an issue in my life OUTSIDE myself that is effecting my lightness of spirit currently. It's a big heart-issue and it's kicking my ass despite daily applications of spiritual teachings. The goal of truth seeking and spiritual teachings of all kinds is to hold onto one's natural state of joyous mind despite life's exterior events that challenge this. Well, easier said than done. I have been practicing this for years, and something is missing to be making this work with this particular issue.
This whole process, is called WHERE I'M AT RIGHT NOW. I must accept this, embrace my state of mind and my grief process, however bitter, experience it, and then it will dissolve of its own accord with all the above applied to it. Conscious Observer. To be a conscious observer of our reactions to life's ass kickers of all sorts, will alleviate us being reactors. WATCH the bad mood come over you, WATCH what your mind does with a negative (or positive) outside influence. How long will the mind dwell on this that makes the observer upset? Observing it removes some of the 'taking it personal' nature of any event, however personal it seems at the time. I'm working this one hard & fast, and my ass is STILL getting kicked. It must be a very significant passage of personal growth that this issue is presenting. I intend to keep working with it and not give in to the sadness, helplessness and myriad other emotions that are evoked with this issue.
I've been trekking life on the spiritual path as long as I can remember. Affiliated with no church or organization saying their way is the only way, intuition, nature and books are my teachers. Silence is one of the best teachers, no TV or musical distractions. The sound of the forest (nature) is the music I listen to all the time. It assists the human spirit to feel like it's a part of nature, not separate from it, and it's the sense of separation that is the essence of any suffering we endure. Separation from the power we have to create change in our lives, power to help ourselves put life's issues into perspective, separation from the power we have been given to choose to go plant a flower rather than dwell in a bitter mindset.
There is a lady that I've met through a network that has inspired me to steer this blog into being geared to address life issues and create a place for those in difficult states of mind with the grief process to communicate. She and I have communicated and it is for her that I begin this new direction in my blog. Thank you "L" - you are a fragrant rose in the garden of life, and despite the overgrowth of weeds, your beauty stands out. She told me she would like to learn from me about a certain subject we came together over. She inspired me, and lifted my flagging spirit this sunny day, and now I write this blog straight from my heart in this moment.
