ON BEING A NOBODY

Have you ever wanted to be a SOMEBODY??? Make your momma proud, earn a new respect from your friends? Be admired by people you don't even know? Get the last laugh on all those adversaries? Are you now living with not only the dream unfulfilled, but feel you are getting too old to ever be that SOMEBODY? Are you feeling discouraged that no matter how many attempts you've made down that path to "somebody-ism" you're still a NOBODY? Well, CHEER UP, I've got some GREAT NEWS for you!.....Do you know that all those stars, celebrities, sports icons and royal highnesses cannot ever be something you now are?......that's right.....a NOBODY!!!!! No matter what they do, they cannot enjoy anonymity and the invisibility you now enjoy. They can never be what you now are. How many out there aren't even ENJOYING their state of nothingness because the feelings of non-accomplishment, unsuccessfullness, and lack of great financial wealth are in the spotlight of your self judgment.....because you are wishing you were in their positions of regality, importance, iconship? CHEER UP, my fellow nobodies.....we're doing way better than we EVER give ourselves credit for. We are all, when stripped of our positions in society and opinions of ourselves, from the exact same sea of consciousness. We are individual drops of the same sea. We are all sub-atomic bleeps of light from the same radiant beacon. Whether it's the most famous athlete or Prince in the world, or a lowly inmate sitting in a cell for a crime he did not commit. Usually our drive to be a SOMEBODY stems from our childhoods. I'm not blaming the poor over-blamed parental units here, just stating the facts. It is not what they said or did not say to us, but rather, how we took in and reacted to what was or was not said. We carry with us sub-consciously our entire adult lives, that desire to show up the bastards who bullied us in grade school, or to make proud the parent who never seemed quite reassuring enough to our growing egoic natures. The lure of that media attention never shows you what that celebrity has to face every time they leave their palace doors: that wall of photographers with lenses the size of the Golden Gate bridge, the barrage of flashes to where you can't even SEE, the continuous sound of the motor driven shutters capturing our very nose hairs. Those people can never enjoy driving down the road while listening to their favorite song and simply pick their nose. It will appear on the tabloids and everyone that ever stands on a check out line in a grocery store anywhere in the world, will catch a glimpse of you with your finger even slightly brushing that nasal cavity, and the headlines will blow that miniscule gesture out of proportion to the enth degree to sell their publication. They may even photoshop it to look like your finger is wedged all the way up! So the next time you even slightly pick that nose driving down the road, enjoy it fully! Even if you don't reel in a booger that is newsworthy, you will be engaging in a simple human act that nobody in the global spotlight can enjoy. All humor aside here, though....I highly suggest listening to Eckhart Tolle's talk on the Flowering of Human Consciousness. He speaks slowly, with many gaps between phrases at times....so if you have ADHD, know that this aspect of your personality will be challenged - but if you treat yourself to rising above that challenge, you will feel really good about who you are RIGHT NOW, in THIS MOMENT, despite your bank balance, your credit card debt, your lack of a romance or the lack you perceive yourself as having in the fulfillment department. With the striving everyone who knows me to have done in my life thus far, to be a musical star in my younger day, a beloved partner in all my adult years, a literary giant in my middle age, or an overall success in any of my artistic abilities to make my momma proud and pad my bank account with independence, know this: I HAVE GIVEN UP THE SHIP. I hereby no longer wish for any state of being that I currently am not - I have embraced being an absolute NOBODY. This is not a lack of self-esteem that I am expressing.....OH NO......but ACCEPTANCE of the fact that I am a speck in the vast ocean of consciousness that doesn't give a rat's azz about what any society or parent views as a SUCCESS. Be it known that I have no problem with not having been invited to the White House for a party in the 'home theatre' or any of the royal weddings that have occurred in my lifetime, or nominated to run for president or cast in a major motion picture, or winner of a Grammy, Oscar or Pulitzer Prize. Nope, I'm just little ol' me living in a teensie abode out in nature with no servants, valets or personal trainer. I'm not sure where the next mortgage payment will be coming from or how I'll pay for a health issue should one occur. But somehow, it's always worked and nothing has come out of the ground or swooped out of the air in an attempt to devour me. I'm still standing. And I'm continuing on from this day forth without the fears and anxieties of the end of the world or my personal demise. Putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one portion of the day at a time, I know peace---the peace of acceptance of who I am in this very moment and what my current life story is. It's just a bloody story, we all have one--but our story is not WHO we are. As one cannot judge a book by it's cover (unless you're in Barnes & Noble) one cannot judge you and you don't any longer have to judge yourself by the decisions you have made or the story of your life. Don't like it? Just re-write it. Enjoy the ride and even when the script is rough, it's only a script....it's not YOU.

GOOD MORNING COMRADES!

SWF: why is it that all the people advertising their availability seem to like the same thing: CAMPING, COOKING, HIKING, etc. Is it because the THINK that's what someone else would like? Or it would paint the picture of wholesome good fun-loving interests? Or is it that everybody just likes to camp & hike? I did and have done all that and liked it. Oh no, I sound like an old BEEN THERE DONE THAT type. I'm reading this book that is both hilarious and sobering called: MARRY HIM, The Case for SETTLING for MR. GOOD ENOUGH, by Lori Gottlieb. This book makes me seem doomed at being single at 55. Makes me seem like if I don't want to find a mate bad enough to compromise some of the things I want in a partner, that there is something WRONG with me. It dooms me as a certain TYPE that is not 'marketable'.

The naturopathic clinician who interviewed me for almost 2 hours last week and has decided to test my hormonal activity (I told her there is probably NONE) and my thyroid, as an imbalance in either/or both could be leading to my lack of what is considered NORMAL LIBIDO. I told her the decrease in this is a survival mechanism because of my demographics and 'what's out there' to utilize such a drive with. I remember having a very healthy libido in my last marriage, but my partner said I "wasn't sweet enough" when I was a sultry vixen expressing desire of him. I was lead around by my healthy drive back then and tortured when my husband withheld this form of intimacy couples are allowed and expected to share. It was indeed TORTUROUS.

I have times of aloneness and 'gee it'd be nice to share morning coffee', but I have developed a healthy relationship with this status and have my daughter, her family and 3 grand-daughters right next door that all love me and welcome me any time. As far as sleeping with a companion, my poodle is just fine. That's why I got a standard poodle, so there's a little something to her, not some teensie ball of fluff that yaps. My standard is big enough to actually feel like another living form. There is no one next to me that snores or takes my covers. I actually savor this time and love being in my cozy nest and never feel "oh, I wish there was someone next to me".

The only time I wish I had a partner is to do projects together, enjoy this lovely place that I live and team up to get things done on the property. Also, someone to plan fun road trips with and to enjoy the sharing of a combined income. I've already had the times of YEARNING to share moments of joy with my children as they were growing up, and YEARNING to just be held and cuddled, and YEARNING to share my healthy libido with. But those days passed and here I am, still in fine shape and looking youthful despite my years on the planet and catastrophies survived.

I am a writer, photographer and painter. Three solitary activities that promote aloneness. I won't call it 'loneliness'. I went through and sometimes still feel lonely, but it doesn't run my life or dictate how my day will go. What I don't have is someone who wants to change me into their idea of what they want, which I've gone through this with every relationship I gave myself over to. I never could quite be accepted in the long term for the me that attracted the guy in the first place. I've been married twice so I don't have to ever worry about that stigma title of "spinster". I'm certainly not fat, lazy and unattractive. In fact, my attractiveness works to my detriment: guys just really wanna fuck me. Oh yeah, I'm an interesting character and it fascinates them, but mainly, they can't get past their dick's reaction to me and that is NOT fun.

I do have certain skills that provide pleasure despite my personal lack of libidic yearnings. I am told that I actually excel at one particular skill that I will decline to comment further on. So I have the pleasure of knowing I can provide this amazing 'service', despite being traded in for a woman who takes it in the #*$&#* and the length of who's arms can manipulate everything at once while being penetrated at the same time. But sex is all this woman wants and the L word is the way to run her off.

It's all a trade off in this 'market' thing. I just feel relieved that I'm ok just living my life and having no agenda other than covering my expenses, not being a 'rescue' case and keeping healthy. Libido health, well, that's like an extreme financial fortune - I can live happily without either and still be ok. After all, I've made it through this far, living every form (well most forms) of the dramas and hard-ships that come with single parenting without either financial or emotional support from the dad, the dad's family or my own parents. AND....both my daughters turned out to be healthy, beautiful women who have successful marriages, are excellent mothers and express strong family values who are not addicted to any substances that curtail their health or life. Not a bad turn out for being raised by just lil' old me (and daily building of a strong spiritual foundation on which to build their lives).

That all said, I'm off to walk my dog and finish my morning coffee, which by the way, I make the best coffee anyone has ever tasted, I'm told by lots of people.....and I'm not sad to have to share it with me, myself and I.