Games People Play

Seriously, the whole online fishing game has gone from entertaining to B O R I N G! As in real life, I'm finding men to be all the same.

Didn't want to have a negative cellular memory regarding the MALE human animal, but they themselves are cultivating this in women. After a history of having an open heart, a hopeful attitude toward finding/attracting and moving forward with a man, the results have always been the same. Of course these results came in a colorful assortment of scenarios that all resulted in either heartache, disappointment or both.

After each love gone wrong, I focused on not letting that particular experience shut me down to romantic love. Paramahansa Yogananda said "friendship is the highest form of love" - not romantic love. Romantic love is based on ego gratification and genital interaction. There, I said it. The very strength I possess that attracted a man was the very factor they came to feel threatened by, a need to control and a desire to destroy. Now that's healthy. That last one took the cake. Yes, I learned a lot from each experience, and was always able to pick myself up, dust myself off, get out the glue to piece back my broken heart and usually, thankfully, write a song about it. I have produced and recorded one CD of such songs, and have many that are not recorded. I had two daughters to raise and I wanted them to not be man-haters - so to do this, I couldn't be a man-hater myself.

One time when the girls were older, I exclaimed "I'm hating men right now and I'm not gay, what does that leave me?" my youngest answered "Alone!" Ah, the wisdom of children!
I've been alone for six years this month. It's been lovely, really. I've learned photography, photoshop, painted a series of canvases, trained and continue to train a canine companion, and a host of other personal growth opportunities-including the creation of this beautiful website - oh, and I almost forgot - I published a book. It's amazing what a woman can do when not involved in the struggle of a relationship who's partner wants me to be subservient, invisible and living in the shadow of their male greatness.

So in the spirit of being open to love and not loving my solitude to the point of getting stuck in my ways, I've listed myself with a few sites that cover all the potential bases for love/money/chemistry and arrangements. At first I found it very entertaining, as I don't watch TV. But after much correspondence and a few that seemed genuinely interested, they just seem to evaporate. I must say it's a bit discouraging, although many have advised it takes months of being active on these sites and wading through alot of toads (not frogs!) to MAYBE find someone to have a decent date with.

I thought I've heard all the bullshit, but my eyes were opened to some very new flavors of bullshit, kinky weird, scary bullshit. Who knew there was a medical torture chamber in the Trump Tower! I really don't want to go THERE!

Is there basic human love out there anymore or do men just want to play games, run control trips and use their money, success or manhood to continue to keep up the illusion that they are superior to women?

Truly, the dog being called 'man's best friend' was the wisest observation since the roundness of our planet. Of course mankind is doing its best to level the planet into a bleak, flat lifeless thing. The male-dominated CHURCH did in fact place under house arrest and ex-communication that wise observer that discovered the roundness of our planetary home. Control, control, control.

GOOD MORNING COMRADES!

SWF: why is it that all the people advertising their availability seem to like the same thing: CAMPING, COOKING, HIKING, etc. Is it because the THINK that's what someone else would like? Or it would paint the picture of wholesome good fun-loving interests? Or is it that everybody just likes to camp & hike? I did and have done all that and liked it. Oh no, I sound like an old BEEN THERE DONE THAT type. I'm reading this book that is both hilarious and sobering called: MARRY HIM, The Case for SETTLING for MR. GOOD ENOUGH, by Lori Gottlieb. This book makes me seem doomed at being single at 55. Makes me seem like if I don't want to find a mate bad enough to compromise some of the things I want in a partner, that there is something WRONG with me. It dooms me as a certain TYPE that is not 'marketable'.

The naturopathic clinician who interviewed me for almost 2 hours last week and has decided to test my hormonal activity (I told her there is probably NONE) and my thyroid, as an imbalance in either/or both could be leading to my lack of what is considered NORMAL LIBIDO. I told her the decrease in this is a survival mechanism because of my demographics and 'what's out there' to utilize such a drive with. I remember having a very healthy libido in my last marriage, but my partner said I "wasn't sweet enough" when I was a sultry vixen expressing desire of him. I was lead around by my healthy drive back then and tortured when my husband withheld this form of intimacy couples are allowed and expected to share. It was indeed TORTUROUS.

I have times of aloneness and 'gee it'd be nice to share morning coffee', but I have developed a healthy relationship with this status and have my daughter, her family and 3 grand-daughters right next door that all love me and welcome me any time. As far as sleeping with a companion, my poodle is just fine. That's why I got a standard poodle, so there's a little something to her, not some teensie ball of fluff that yaps. My standard is big enough to actually feel like another living form. There is no one next to me that snores or takes my covers. I actually savor this time and love being in my cozy nest and never feel "oh, I wish there was someone next to me".

The only time I wish I had a partner is to do projects together, enjoy this lovely place that I live and team up to get things done on the property. Also, someone to plan fun road trips with and to enjoy the sharing of a combined income. I've already had the times of YEARNING to share moments of joy with my children as they were growing up, and YEARNING to just be held and cuddled, and YEARNING to share my healthy libido with. But those days passed and here I am, still in fine shape and looking youthful despite my years on the planet and catastrophies survived.

I am a writer, photographer and painter. Three solitary activities that promote aloneness. I won't call it 'loneliness'. I went through and sometimes still feel lonely, but it doesn't run my life or dictate how my day will go. What I don't have is someone who wants to change me into their idea of what they want, which I've gone through this with every relationship I gave myself over to. I never could quite be accepted in the long term for the me that attracted the guy in the first place. I've been married twice so I don't have to ever worry about that stigma title of "spinster". I'm certainly not fat, lazy and unattractive. In fact, my attractiveness works to my detriment: guys just really wanna fuck me. Oh yeah, I'm an interesting character and it fascinates them, but mainly, they can't get past their dick's reaction to me and that is NOT fun.

I do have certain skills that provide pleasure despite my personal lack of libidic yearnings. I am told that I actually excel at one particular skill that I will decline to comment further on. So I have the pleasure of knowing I can provide this amazing 'service', despite being traded in for a woman who takes it in the #*$&#* and the length of who's arms can manipulate everything at once while being penetrated at the same time. But sex is all this woman wants and the L word is the way to run her off.

It's all a trade off in this 'market' thing. I just feel relieved that I'm ok just living my life and having no agenda other than covering my expenses, not being a 'rescue' case and keeping healthy. Libido health, well, that's like an extreme financial fortune - I can live happily without either and still be ok. After all, I've made it through this far, living every form (well most forms) of the dramas and hard-ships that come with single parenting without either financial or emotional support from the dad, the dad's family or my own parents. AND....both my daughters turned out to be healthy, beautiful women who have successful marriages, are excellent mothers and express strong family values who are not addicted to any substances that curtail their health or life. Not a bad turn out for being raised by just lil' old me (and daily building of a strong spiritual foundation on which to build their lives).

That all said, I'm off to walk my dog and finish my morning coffee, which by the way, I make the best coffee anyone has ever tasted, I'm told by lots of people.....and I'm not sad to have to share it with me, myself and I.