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GOOD MORNING from the EL CHE CAFE! This new day has brought relief from the dark portal through which I have been trekking. When in such a portal, it's like the radio waves/cell reception from one's higher self cannot be received, as the signal cannot penetrate the darkness. Hence, we tumble like a fallen surfer in the wave.
This passage has taught me to remember many things: at the onset of this 'adventure', I was informed with the other Reiki students that following our initiations, there is what is called a
21-day cleanse. This means that for the 21 days following the initiation into the intent to heal oneself so to assist with the healing of others within the 'wings' of the Reiki channel. The symptoms of this vary from pleasant moments or visiting one's personal depths of HELL. My experience was the latter of these two extremes, with not a moment of the former so far.
"The LIGHT (of Reiki) is already within us already, but now we are CHOOSING the path of healing, ourselves and others, and by that intention and through the power of the Reiki initiations, our channel is exponentially stronger, which means whatever issues, challenges or old patterns that have been in the realm of the subconscious has the opportunity to come to the surface and if it feels right you may re-experience an old hurt or a past bitterness or disappointment that has needed your attention for a long time. Then it can be released into the Reiki wave, but you may have to feel it first. None of us like that part!" - the teacher further writes in this recommendation -- "I'd rather just get the awareness and move on, but it has been my experience that some things actually take a life of their own, and sabotage other areas."
So this is the essence of the cause of this HELL WEEK (or weeks as this is) I have chosen to look at as a portal. It will be a NEW & IMPROVED me that emerges, because I am processing some ancient stuff that I actually tried to process correctly as I went to avoid a huge pile of un-closed issues & stuff. The last time I had every last piece of subconscious muck hit me all at the same time, ironically, was the head injury sustained in that car-crash that in my previous blog shared that I learned can impose a bipolar condition in a person that does not previously have it. (Genetic predisposition to depression disorders can make such an imposition happen in from head trauma). This fact made me feel better for about five minutes during my trek thru said HELL. I'll never forget the overwhelm at feeling all this stuff at once. The brain is designed, I had learned, to process things as it goes, and not have it all heaped on you at once. This causes TILT to take over. TILT mode sucks. It is the paralysis catalyst.
Reading this Reiki Cleanse letter, visiting the Naturopathic clinic, learning the cause of the bipolar condition in my case, being under the wing of my Reiki teacher through this, and having much success and ah-ha moments with Louise Hauck with whom I have been apprenticing for 6 weeks, all are great guideposts along this perilous journey to ensure that the ME that emerges from this REIKI PURIFICATION will have been well worth all this darkness to endure.
I can share another interesting little tidbit that adds to the intensity of it all. Although I have not shared on any public platform the continuing adventures of my relationship with the one my book introduced to any of you that has read it, or know me personally, this REIKI has had an effect on the healing mechanisms within his energetic matrix that have also been felt through my energetic matrix. We are the energetic partners in healing. My REIKI teacher even saw his eyes look at her during the fourth initiation into this first level. She had never heard of this person's earthly incarnation either. It's not a light matter to accommodate a healing of a being on another dimension. It also had an eye opening effect of this wise and incredible sage who is my teacher to realize my initiation with her was illustrating that REIKI actually can initiate the power with one who has already passed.
Sound too far out there for any of you? Think that these could be the ramblings of yet another bipolarly imbalanced disordered mid-life crisis, empty nest, post-meno woman who has no mortal partner, but would rather entertain in the safety of one without an actual body? All the more reason you should order up THE CHE DIARIES, continue to read my blog, be willing to look at the limitations your judgments and opinions of what is unknown to you and be open to allowing your own childlike imagination guide that stodgy old adult you believe you have become and entertain the possibility that just maybe, what you believe could be not it at all.
After the initial absolute-too weird for even me- line of thinking. After throwing the oars out of the raft, that kept me rowing as hard as I could AGAINST the flow of the river of life because I was told I had to to be a good person. After finally getting it that you can have fun flowing with the current which will make our life easier. After finally believing that 'you can have a joyous life and you don't have to continue struggling'.......the pressure has lifted. I'm getting to day 21 of the ass-kicking purification. Bring on the JOY!
THE EFFECTS OF A BIPOLAR "DISORDER" can be devastating to every aspect of a person's life. When the insidious 'demon' even undermines your self-esteem and former ability to tackle the world and it's challenges, one may feel the only way to stop the pain is to cease to live. Suicide is a side effect of this monster taking over what used to be 'yourself'.
This demon has charged into my life and robbed from me what I loved the most about myself: my ability to not let life's curve balls have me not get back up, dust myself off, put the curve ball in it's place as being just that, and move forward with the new strength I acquired from either dodging the curve ball or catching it and throwing it back from whence it came. As a single mom, life consisted of constant curve balls of all sizes, shapes and colors. Now they get me down, overwhelm me and paralyze me from getting back up. To add further to this paralysis is the self hatred of having this paralysis occur and view it as a character flaw.
I received a medical diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER SYNDROME----"GREAT, a DISORDER and a SYNDROME!!!" A glimpse of the 'former me' decided to deal with it but that was only a glimpse, the majority of the disordered me felt like just killing the host of the demon. This former me kept popping up enough to drag myself to the battleground and fight it.
FAST FORWARD TO NOW: I am someone who uses the internet to get my questions answered and ask those around me questions about myself regarding their observation of me. I reflected on what my eldest daughter has told me several times: "Mom, you haven't been the same after your car wreck." That car crash in 1997 awarded me a 'moderate closed head injury' besides taking out both my hands and an assortment of other soft tissue damage. They did the corrective surgeries on my hand which really didn't restore them to their previous beautiful, perfect and functioning condition, but that's another story....it's the head injury that kicked my ass because there was now a monster from WITHIN me that was impossible to work with because it effected my PERSONALITY, coping mechanisms, memory, and the beautiful ability I had to major multi task with impeccability.
I HAVE DISCOVERED ONLY RECENTLY through my own research that head trauma can bring about the monster BIPOLAR DISORDER SYNDROME and a host of other psychotic and mood disorders that the patient is left to think they are defective, flawed, unlovable rejects of society. They are given a host of medicines and these medicines sometimes work, most times do not and only repeated trips to the doctor and re-prescribed a new host of medicines. One is left feeling like a laboratory rat that is being experimented on with the "let's try this" or "let's try that". Then when one finds a medicine that works, it can all of a sudden not work and the cycle of doctor visits and new prescriptions start again, also to the tune of spending large amounts of money. These medicines are VERY EXPENSIVE.
We also get to hear less compassionate and close minded people judge us as 'being crazy' or other insulting remarks that further injure our already injured picture of our self. The stigma associated with this very real brain chemistry imbalance keeps many from seeking help, keeps others trying very hard to fit in to be accepted or not made fun of and act like 'normal' - which involves not expressing ourselves at all. It's like having to live a 'double life'. To have a chemical imbalance of the pancreas is widely accepted as diabetes and evokes people's compassion, to have a chemical imbalance in the brain-even as an effect of a physical injury to the brain is labeled with a host of degrading terms and we are treated as if we have chosen the side effects of it.
Learning that my particular condition was actually caused by a physical injury to my brain actually lifted my spirits yesterday. So I feel less flawed naturally and in fact this was IMPOSED on me. It does not relieve me of the symptoms of the condition. And now my new fear is that my former psychic gifts that I've had since being a child will be blamed on a side effect of this diagnosis. My new challenge to add to my list of existing challenges is to not allow fear of even further judgment and ridicule diminish this gift from being cultivated and shared. Instead I am going to utilize this entire situation to be a voice for all those suffering as I am suffering to stand up and OWN their challenges.
To keep the name DISORDER or SYNDROME keeps it in the realm of having a DEFECT. Are cancer patients considered DEFECTIVE??? There is no one that would CHOOSE to have this condition as much as there is no one that would CHOOSE to have diabetes or cancer. My life has changed in ways I could not have imagined after that woman crashed into my beloved 1952 Willys Wagon back on 21 September 1997. At the moment of the crash I was in such shock that my "Wilbur" sustained fatal injuries that I did not know I sustained injuries that were fatal to life as I knew it, were fatal to the me BEFORE the crash. My life continued, but the me that climbed into that jeep to go home from work that afternoon did in fact perish and never returned. I realize and state all the time how much worse others have life after their car crashes or medical diagnosis', but this comparison and gratitude does not get me through the times I am experiencing debilitating paralysis and the extreme psychological pain that takes over my entire life that I still cannot accept or work with despite my vigilance to do so. I am still alive though, and as long as I walk and breathe, the warrior within will work with the changed course of the river of strength I once knew myself to be.
WEIGHT LOSS: The Biggest Losers- Why are the obese people getting all the reality shows and press attention for losing weight? There's articles on those poor unfortunate obese children that get bullied in school...those poor obese adults that whine about being a target for snide remarks and ridicule WAH WAH WAH! And God forbid someone mention their being 'fat' and telling them it's because they eat too much or say "hey, it looks like you've put on a few pounds over the weekend..." we have to tip toe around them and and be politically correct because they are so sensitive about how big they've allowed themselves to get. (Please note that I am not including in this those poor unfortunate souls that are obese due to glandular malfunction or other reasons that is NOT in their control)
The reason I am just coming out with this seemingly harsh expression of HOW I REALLY FEEL, is because all my life I've been SMALL, or PETITE as would be a politically correct comment, and we are an equal target. I once worked at an office where a mostly obese woman (I say 'mostly' because she was of proportionate size for her height on the top half, and from her waist down she was ginormous) came up to me after the weekend and said "GEE, it looks like you've lost a couple of pounds over the weekend" - she said this with a tone of concern as if something was wrong. I happen to be sensitive about the fact that I am 110 pounds and cannot put weight on, no matter how much Hagen Daas I eat. However, I do eat ice cream in moderation....not day in and day out, pints at a time.
I have been bullied and ridiculed all through my school years, from 4th through 12th grade. I have been called names for my crooked teeth, my delayed bustline, my small stature - my mother's advice was to ignore them. Then the same bullies would say "oh, did your mommy tell you to ignore us today??" - it was a no-win situation. My mother would wonder "I just can't figure out why you don't seem to have very good self-esteem" - was she that bad at adding 2 + 2 ??? - it wouldn't have taken an Einstein to do the math on this equation!
There should be a TV show for petite people who manage to gain either weight or muscle mass. We've either got the obese or the bulimic, or anorexic--but we in the middle are called "SKINNY BITCHES" by those fat bitches. We are envied and get treated badly by a superior in the office that is a size 18. Instead of envying us, GO ON A DIET and QUIT FEEDING YOUR FACE SUGARED CHEMICAL SHIT IN A PACKAGE. I remember wanting to eat that crap, sure it's TASTY - if you develop a taste for junk food. Ever hear about MODERATION?????
It takes discipline to not join in the junk food party when all your friends are eating it (in the teenage years and early twenties) Sure, I wanted it, but SOMETHING TOLD ME it just wasn't good to eat it ALL THE TIME. I WANTED it, but JUST SAID NO. And guess what - I was made fun of for NOT eating it - for eating something healthy. Because I didn't want chemicals and dyes that were packaged to resemble FOOD, I was labeled "EATING DISORDERLY" - it was questioned whether I was a "PUKER" - NONE OF THE ABOVE FOLKS - ! I had never heard the term "puker" - my food goes only ONE WAY, thank you very much.
I like a TWINKIE every now and then just like the next guy - but not every day, or every week even - maybe once every few months while I grocery shop I pull a package off the shelf and munch while I shop (yes, I put the empty wrapper thru the checkstand and PAY for it!) Twinkies taste best while strolling through the market - mind you, this is NOT a ritual every time I shop, or even every 10th time I shop. MODERATION is key. I love junk as much as the next guy. But it's plain old common sense to not STUFF, but merely EAT. Depressed? Try NOT eating. Try drinking water. Try having a soft drink every ONCE IN A WHILE, not six a day! Bottom line: don't mindlessly stuff your face.
Natural foods and organic foods are not trendy--it's what our grandparents ate and was a way of life before they turned food into big business. Before everyone fell in love with PACKAGING and not eating to be nourished, giving THANKS for the food, reflecting that it came from MOTHER EARTH, not just mindless consumption.
The way we eat is a CHOICE. If people CHOOSE to use FOOD as a DRUG, then they are choosing to distort their body and those of their children by passing this display of bad choice on to those that are too young to choose for themselves. This is the epitome of BAD PARENTING. We would all frown at seeing a parent give their 10 year old a cigarette and lighting it for them. But every day we see, the enormously distorted fat parent walking with an extra large soft drink and junk food and their child eating the same way, sporting a mini version of their own distorted shape. Don't these people have eyes and a lick of SENSE??????? Yet, we all have to feel sorry for them. Their bad choices and continued denial of their own responsibility has the taxpayer forking out too much for their disability payments and related medical costs.
Let's talk about airplane seats. They complain that the smaller people seated on either side of them seem uncomfortable with their weight and size....well you DAMN right we are! You are invading MY SPACE with your obesity and making ME UNCOMFORTABLE on an already too-tight a squeeze in the economy section. You think because I am petite and YOU are FAT that you somehow have the right to take my armrest and make me keep my arms squeezed close to my body for YOUR comfort.
OK, there, I said it. I have voiced my freedom of speech and have, by this blog, put myself out of the running for U.S. President---because should I run for public office, I will be labeled as a very bad and prejudiced little person with a big attitude against those poor unfortunate people that won't stop eating. Well, I'll gladly forfeit my presidential run to have expressed how I REALLY feel. It's about time somebody stand up for those of standard proportion.
VENEZIA - City of Water, City of LOVE
My adventure to Venice was truly GRAND. I was mezmerized by my immersion into history. There is no place in the province that you are not IN history, no place to walk that has not been walked by those we read about from days of old. If you walk with a stillness at say, 4 a.m., before the throngs of tourists and the locals setting up shop, you can feel the ghosts of days gone by, the intrigue that was prevalent in those times. Courtesans meeting their lovers of high political position, the famous artists who were commissioned by kings, doges, the pope, who's works are today infamous, assassins who are commissioned by those who wish or need someone to be killed, the places of the murders, darkened alleyways, hidden doorways. It's all still there, and the entire place carries the vibes, the memories, the spirits of it all. In the wee hours of the morning, the magic of Venice is truly alive.
I walked these pathways at this bewitching hour my first morning in Venice, and felt myself to be in no danger personally. My sense of adventure, traveling solo, overtook any fears I might have entertained. I did not even bring along my beloved Canon, as I wanted to feel FULLY this energy that is alive before the morning sun gives a hint of illuminating the darkness and solitude that is only at this hour. The pigeons are absolutely everywhere and seem to 'own' the entire place before the sun rises.
I went to the Rialto crossing on the Grand Canal at this same bewitching time. The quiet of Venice's main waterway was soothing to the soul, with the sounds only of the seagulls, pigeons and water gently lapping against the bridge.
I only smoke cigarettes in Italy, it's the only place to buy the DIANA brand. On the Rialto bridge I took out my first one of the trip. Having no light I asked the only person I saw, a very old man. He embraced me immediately and with his thick Italian dialect, said only "No fume" and "Ciao bella - bootifool, bootifool." He took me to the restaurant just over the bridge that he unlocked, invited me in, gave me a light and made us morning cappuccinos. He kept hugging me and saying those same words over and over, he spoke no English, and my Italian was minimal. Like walking the streets alone in these wee hours feeling no danger, I felt no danger from this little old man. We sipped our delicious brew, and I was on my way, feeling properly welcomed to my adventure here in the City of Water, City of Love and Intrigue. It was clear to me, as in my sojourn to Buenos Aires four years before, that I was on an adventure to fall in love again - with ADVENTURER within mySELF!
Check back in for continuing tales of this Venetian Romance!
HEADING TO VENICE-what a blessing! I was 'directed' to go to place the book in the hands of a certain person also at this location on the planet. I will not disclose to whom THE CHE DIARIES is destined, I can only say my direction came from the same source that instructed me to publish the book in the first place.
It has always been a dream of mine to bum around Venice with my camera for an extended period, so this will be realized. Anytime is a good time to realize ones dream(s). Of course, there will be many photos and videos of my adventure. I am not, however, taking my laptop and will not be spending precious time in an internet cafe; so, dear readers, don't look for any blog entries until after mid-April.
I have never traveled to Europe solo, and was a bit nervous at this reality until I've absorbed Rick Steve's travel tips for Venice. My apprehension was somewhat alleviated at learning the in's and out's of the routes of the water bus from the airport to my 'stop'. I will, of course, be traveling with my guide from the other dimension, so really, I should experience a GRAND time on the Grand Canal!
Just the title of this blog may sound too out there for anyone to read further. Or, it may ring a bell with something you've been experiencing without knowing there is an actual validity to your experience, hence you think you're crazy.
GOOD NEWS: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! I went through an experience involving a being on another dimension, and I went through it alone, roller coasting between thinking I was crazy or alone too long and enjoying privately without being able to share with anyone the ecstasy I was experiencing from this multi dimensional communication. To make it even more difficult, the being in my life was an infamous historical person who was very controversial on a global scale, and someone who I'd never heard of before he came to me. Although my book has been well received by the small global audience that has read it (I know this from their feedback to me), there are people who just think I'm plain crazy. Well, I've lived a life outside the box anyway, so people's judgments and/or opinions of me are in no way who I am. And I've lived by WC Field's quote: "what other people think about me is none of my business." ....or was that Winston Churchill? oops, I forgot.
I invite anyone to comment that may be experiencing something that could be termed multi-dimensional. It could be from a lost loved one who is communicating with you and when you share this, people tell you it's only because you are grieving that you imagine they are communicating with you. Please know that departed loved ones have no way of communicating except through dreams, thoughts and various electrical systems.
My friend who's wife died always seems to create blinks in the lighting system of the home she lived in w/her husband. Also, when his housekeeper comes in and waters the orchids this lady used to love, the phone would ring one time in that room, consistently, every time she went in to water them. These are just two examples of how electrical systems are utilized in communication.
This happens in my home, only in the bedroom with the overhead light. It sometimes just comes on, and there is no short in the wiring. It never did this before my multi dimensional partner integrated into my life.
I researched everything online to try to gain an understanding of what I was experiencing, for my multi dimensional relationship was not borne from someone I've loved in this life that passed on. I found nothing at all that synched with my experience. It's been 3.5 years now, and our energies are settled in together where I no longer have the upheavals of it's onset. It does present issues though, like my taste in music has changed and I almost can't listen to what I used to like, and am always compelled to play Latin music, mostly tangos.
As you read my blogs, should you want to reach out and share your experience, I would welcome it, and NEVER judge you, but will provide you comfort. After all, you are experiencing something that people would ridicule out of their lack of understanding, and society is hooked on the diseased mindset of a concept called "NORMAL" -- which, by the way, does not exist.
We all strive for balance. Sounds simple - ISN'T. After all, what IS balance? We each have our own interpretation of what a balanced life is, and maybe our interpretations aren't actually accurate, but recitations of what we think it SHOULD be based on what we read or have seen on TV.
Same goes for HAPPINESS - what is it exactly? A good mood? A feeling of contentment based on life conditions, environment, the way people treat us, how much financial security we think we have? How happy are you AFTER your vacation?
Does living a balanced, happy life mean we can count our blessings despite challenges, and be returned to a state of joyous-all-is-well state of mind after a brief upset from some event?
Personally, I have always counted my blessings, and basically it was because I wanted to teach it to my daughters when raising them. As a single mom, there were emotional & financial challenges constantly, and to be a positive influence, I had to live what I wanted to teach. Example by living is more powerful and influential than mere words to a child. Children don't learn by hearing, they learn by observing. Sounds easy - ISN'T if you're trying to be consistent.
The girls are grown w/families of their own. Ironically, I am having issues in living my life as I have lived and taught my daughters when I was younger. I find myself in more bad moods and of bitter mind than I want for myself. I do count my blessings, I have a gratitude journal that I write at least 5 things I am grateful for each morning before I start my day. (Honestly, I don't do this every SINGLE day, but my days go better when I DO write in this journal)
This always worked in setting my day to start out in a feeling of gratitude for life's blessings, (even if one particular morning the only thing I can think of in the moment to be grateful for is the aroma of my morning coffee) inviting more blessings into my life. Now I write it with the taste of a bitter pill in my psyche. There is an issue in my life OUTSIDE myself that is effecting my lightness of spirit currently. It's a big heart-issue and it's kicking my ass despite daily applications of spiritual teachings. The goal of truth seeking and spiritual teachings of all kinds is to hold onto one's natural state of joyous mind despite life's exterior events that challenge this. Well, easier said than done. I have been practicing this for years, and something is missing to be making this work with this particular issue.
This whole process, is called WHERE I'M AT RIGHT NOW. I must accept this, embrace my state of mind and my grief process, however bitter, experience it, and then it will dissolve of its own accord with all the above applied to it. Conscious Observer. To be a conscious observer of our reactions to life's ass kickers of all sorts, will alleviate us being reactors. WATCH the bad mood come over you, WATCH what your mind does with a negative (or positive) outside influence. How long will the mind dwell on this that makes the observer upset? Observing it removes some of the 'taking it personal' nature of any event, however personal it seems at the time. I'm working this one hard & fast, and my ass is STILL getting kicked. It must be a very significant passage of personal growth that this issue is presenting. I intend to keep working with it and not give in to the sadness, helplessness and myriad other emotions that are evoked with this issue.
I've been trekking life on the spiritual path as long as I can remember. Affiliated with no church or organization saying their way is the only way, intuition, nature and books are my teachers. Silence is one of the best teachers, no TV or musical distractions. The sound of the forest (nature) is the music I listen to all the time. It assists the human spirit to feel like it's a part of nature, not separate from it, and it's the sense of separation that is the essence of any suffering we endure. Separation from the power we have to create change in our lives, power to help ourselves put life's issues into perspective, separation from the power we have been given to choose to go plant a flower rather than dwell in a bitter mindset.
There is a lady that I've met through a network that has inspired me to steer this blog into being geared to address life issues and create a place for those in difficult states of mind with the grief process to communicate. She and I have communicated and it is for her that I begin this new direction in my blog. Thank you "L" - you are a fragrant rose in the garden of life, and despite the overgrowth of weeds, your beauty stands out. She told me she would like to learn from me about a certain subject we came together over. She inspired me, and lifted my flagging spirit this sunny day, and now I write this blog straight from my heart in this moment.
