THE EFFECTS OF A BIPOLAR "DISORDER" can be devastating to every aspect of a person's life. When the insidious 'demon' even undermines your self-esteem and former ability to tackle the world and it's challenges, one may feel the only way to stop the pain is to cease to live. Suicide is a side effect of this monster taking over what used to be 'yourself'.
This demon has charged into my life and robbed from me what I loved the most about myself: my ability to not let life's curve balls have me not get back up, dust myself off, put the curve ball in it's place as being just that, and move forward with the new strength I acquired from either dodging the curve ball or catching it and throwing it back from whence it came. As a single mom, life consisted of constant curve balls of all sizes, shapes and colors. Now they get me down, overwhelm me and paralyze me from getting back up. To add further to this paralysis is the self hatred of having this paralysis occur and view it as a character flaw.
I received a medical diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER SYNDROME----"GREAT, a DISORDER and a SYNDROME!!!" A glimpse of the 'former me' decided to deal with it but that was only a glimpse, the majority of the disordered me felt like just killing the host of the demon. This former me kept popping up enough to drag myself to the battleground and fight it.
FAST FORWARD TO NOW: I am someone who uses the internet to get my questions answered and ask those around me questions about myself regarding their observation of me. I reflected on what my eldest daughter has told me several times: "Mom, you haven't been the same after your car wreck." That car crash in 1997 awarded me a 'moderate closed head injury' besides taking out both my hands and an assortment of other soft tissue damage. They did the corrective surgeries on my hand which really didn't restore them to their previous beautiful, perfect and functioning condition, but that's another story....it's the head injury that kicked my ass because there was now a monster from WITHIN me that was impossible to work with because it effected my PERSONALITY, coping mechanisms, memory, and the beautiful ability I had to major multi task with impeccability.
I HAVE DISCOVERED ONLY RECENTLY through my own research that head trauma can bring about the monster BIPOLAR DISORDER SYNDROME and a host of other psychotic and mood disorders that the patient is left to think they are defective, flawed, unlovable rejects of society. They are given a host of medicines and these medicines sometimes work, most times do not and only repeated trips to the doctor and re-prescribed a new host of medicines. One is left feeling like a laboratory rat that is being experimented on with the "let's try this" or "let's try that". Then when one finds a medicine that works, it can all of a sudden not work and the cycle of doctor visits and new prescriptions start again, also to the tune of spending large amounts of money. These medicines are VERY EXPENSIVE.
We also get to hear less compassionate and close minded people judge us as 'being crazy' or other insulting remarks that further injure our already injured picture of our self. The stigma associated with this very real brain chemistry imbalance keeps many from seeking help, keeps others trying very hard to fit in to be accepted or not made fun of and act like 'normal' - which involves not expressing ourselves at all. It's like having to live a 'double life'. To have a chemical imbalance of the pancreas is widely accepted as diabetes and evokes people's compassion, to have a chemical imbalance in the brain-even as an effect of a physical injury to the brain is labeled with a host of degrading terms and we are treated as if we have chosen the side effects of it.
Learning that my particular condition was actually caused by a physical injury to my brain actually lifted my spirits yesterday. So I feel less flawed naturally and in fact this was IMPOSED on me. It does not relieve me of the symptoms of the condition. And now my new fear is that my former psychic gifts that I've had since being a child will be blamed on a side effect of this diagnosis. My new challenge to add to my list of existing challenges is to not allow fear of even further judgment and ridicule diminish this gift from being cultivated and shared. Instead I am going to utilize this entire situation to be a voice for all those suffering as I am suffering to stand up and OWN their challenges.
To keep the name DISORDER or SYNDROME keeps it in the realm of having a DEFECT. Are cancer patients considered DEFECTIVE??? There is no one that would CHOOSE to have this condition as much as there is no one that would CHOOSE to have diabetes or cancer. My life has changed in ways I could not have imagined after that woman crashed into my beloved 1952 Willys Wagon back on 21 September 1997. At the moment of the crash I was in such shock that my "Wilbur" sustained fatal injuries that I did not know I sustained injuries that were fatal to life as I knew it, were fatal to the me BEFORE the crash. My life continued, but the me that climbed into that jeep to go home from work that afternoon did in fact perish and never returned. I realize and state all the time how much worse others have life after their car crashes or medical diagnosis', but this comparison and gratitude does not get me through the times I am experiencing debilitating paralysis and the extreme psychological pain that takes over my entire life that I still cannot accept or work with despite my vigilance to do so. I am still alive though, and as long as I walk and breathe, the warrior within will work with the changed course of the river of strength I once knew myself to be.
