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So here we are, another mild, summer afternoon...balmy, breezy and non eventful in the drama department. I have learned that the hormonal balance within my physical body is WAY out of balance. Now I wasn't told by the women's health practitioner who's care I was under and who answered my menopausal questions, that hormonal deficiencies the first FIVE years post menopause CAUSE BONE LOSS!!! So I've been tested twice and have full on bone loss. G R E A T! So if any readers out there can learn from this and replace those hormones in those critical first years, you will not host such a condition.
Of course I feel no effects from bone loss. I haven't shrunk. I just won't use those new rollerblades I purchased or my new ice skates I got last winter. I mean, why invite trouble while I don't have insurance to cover an orthopedic repair. I'm not a fear factor freak, but I'm not into pushing it until I build back the skeletal structure. Now hormone replacement therapy has gotten a pretty bad rap over the years, and the good ol' US of A is really backward compared to Europe when it comes to innovative medicine THAT WORKS, and their women supplement the hormones in a way that does not cause other problems. The gel-based hormones ordered from WOMEN'S INTERNATIONAL PHARMACY is the ticket. Half the price. And don't forget to request the gel, not the cream, as the cream is fraught with chemical additives. Why get a dose of stuff you don't need with the stuff you do need. Yeah, the gel is 'colder' without the consistency of a nice cream, but this is not worth putting more laboratory crap onto my skin and into my system.
All the symptoms I have expressed in previous blogs are indicative of hormonal imbalance, extremely low levels I might add. Have your formulations done from a SALIVA TEST which is more reliable than a blood test as it shows the hormonal activity and interaction. I may not even BE bipolar. This is an overdiagnosed condition and the doctors get kickbacks from the pharmaceutical companies. After all, a psyche doctor would rather prescribe his kind of meds than send you to your doctor to check for hormonal imbalances. This possibility wasn't even suggested by my psyche doctor.
SO LADIES.....I wound up talking here like the expert on menopause that I have become. The journey has been perilous and downright shitty. No scientific term describes it like JUST PLAIN SHITTY. One can insert the words transitional, life changing, transformational, paralyzing, but apply experience to any of those terms and it's JUST PLAIN SHITTY. Like childbirth, JUST PLAIN PAINFUL. I don't care how many drugs you get, it's just plain painful. If this blog reaches just ONE WOMAN out there and helps steer her ship into waters that are easier to navigate for a shorter term than mine has been, this blog has served its purpose. Please feel free to write me any comments, questions or your own experience with this aspect of womanhood that our ancestors were spared by not living past 40. Of course they were having to live in caves, avoid demise from being food for large animals with big teeth, or worse yet, dying in childbirth. I don't think any of them had time to contemplate possible effects related to actually BEING a woman. Did they even know how they got pregnant???
This most humorously irrelevant photograph heading this blog is a central art sculpture at the Peggy Guggenheim museum on the Grand Canal in Venice, Italy. I have to wonder how Peggy might have utilized this work in her own humorous way, it is after all, conveniently life size and reflects the endowment of Adonis himself!
As a POST SCRIPT, I must mention that men do not escape hormonal shifts in what is called ANDROPAUSE. The recipient of this condition may lose their enthusiasm for the challenge of work, competition and sexual activity. They can also lose bone and muscle mass and have their energy zapped. SO LADIES, we are not to assume all the blame put on any relationship discord as we received during our PMS cycles due to hormones or the lack thereof. Remember when during certain times in our relationships/marriages where the male counterpart could conveniently blame any issues on our cycles???? They didn't even consider the possibility/probability that they had any negative contribution to aggravate us, AND they don't taste near as yummy as chocolate, no wonder we didn't crave them like we did chocolate!
ATTENTION ALL: In addendum to the story on OBESITY & CHILD ABUSE that I just posted, I wish to make it easy for all of you to read the story about BABY PETER.
After learning of this nightmare of all nightmare child abuse stories, I felt it my duty to both follow the story and publish my articles on this to in some way, be a warrior against such abhorrent human behavior.
The story of this baby haunted me severely, caused me grievous depression, for as a grandmother of 4 small children, this is the worst nightmare to be aware of existing on the planet. When this child was not beaten, he had the face of an angel, that was distorted beyond recognition. For his sake, I published articles on this, as they were in the U.K. and not even brought up here in the U.S. For his sake, I brought it up. At least, I can pray for the soul of this baby to heal from the dimension upon which he moved.
http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/3939293-baby-peters-grizzly-torturous-death-photo
For the memory of him, and to honor him, please make yourself aware that this is happening right now, to someone you will never even hear of. It is OUR DUTY to be aware of this so we may begin work on SHIFTING the energy through that awareness and prayer to the higher beings for the healing of those that commit this crime against our children everywhere.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE: Learning that obesity in America is rampant, even epidemic, and that the 'cause' of obesity comes from the individual subconsciously insulating themselves due to sexual abuse endured as a child, then this would give an idea about how many children have been sexually abused in this country in just the last generation.
DISCLAIMER: Now, don't everyone get their feathers in a ruffle if your child is obese....I'm not suggesting every case is due to this. When we see those kids walking down the street shoving junk food in their face with an obese parent doing the same, their condition is not necessarily indicative of having been sexually abused.
HOWEVER, I have stated in a past blog on THE BIGGEST LOSERS, my disgust over this being such a popular show and how there are so many shows, advertisements, articles, etc., focusing on BIG PEOPLE, that people of moderate stature are simply tired of being subjected to this at every turn. I for one, who has always been mindful of what I eat being directly related to how my body will look and feel, am tired of receiving spam on how to shed those extra pounds. It is assumed that everyone with an email account is OBESE.
So, with no further adieu, I simply wanted to suggest the correlation between obesity as a defense mechanism for a person that endured sexual abuse as a child and that even if half the cases were a result of this dreadful act, than it is the abuse that is/was rampant in this country. I for one, was appalled to learn that some people I knew were abused by a friend of their father's, a brother or a grandfather, etc.
It is SEXUAL ABUSE of children that is epidemic, and obesity is a side effect of that child trying to protect itself. Some just grow up and hide it, having a moderate stature, others wind up with severe depression for which they self medicate either with alcohol, resulting in alcoholism, or drug use, resulting in abuse of these substances as well.
WE MUST pay attention to this, I don't know what any of us can do about it, as the protection for children against such evils doesn't seem to exist. Even little BABY PETER in the U.K., screamed when the visitation with his dad was over and was being handed back to the mother who allowed him to be tortured to death both at her hand, and the hands of her boyfriend. There was a baby who was seen over 62 times by the child protective service and all those times he had severe injuries. Ultimately, he died of those injuries after being handed back to those abhorrent individuals yet again. His face and his story will forever haunt me. To read about this, just visit my site on ALL VOICES. You probably won't want to though, because it will haunt you too. I had to make myself do it for PETER. He is only one case of all that are occurring right now, in this instant, as you are reading this blog.
SWF: why is it that all the people advertising their availability seem to like the same thing: CAMPING, COOKING, HIKING, etc. Is it because the THINK that's what someone else would like? Or it would paint the picture of wholesome good fun-loving interests? Or is it that everybody just likes to camp & hike? I did and have done all that and liked it. Oh no, I sound like an old BEEN THERE DONE THAT type. I'm reading this book that is both hilarious and sobering called: MARRY HIM, The Case for SETTLING for MR. GOOD ENOUGH, by Lori Gottlieb. This book makes me seem doomed at being single at 55. Makes me seem like if I don't want to find a mate bad enough to compromise some of the things I want in a partner, that there is something WRONG with me. It dooms me as a certain TYPE that is not 'marketable'.
The naturopathic clinician who interviewed me for almost 2 hours last week and has decided to test my hormonal activity (I told her there is probably NONE) and my thyroid, as an imbalance in either/or both could be leading to my lack of what is considered NORMAL LIBIDO. I told her the decrease in this is a survival mechanism because of my demographics and 'what's out there' to utilize such a drive with. I remember having a very healthy libido in my last marriage, but my partner said I "wasn't sweet enough" when I was a sultry vixen expressing desire of him. I was lead around by my healthy drive back then and tortured when my husband withheld this form of intimacy couples are allowed and expected to share. It was indeed TORTUROUS.
I have times of aloneness and 'gee it'd be nice to share morning coffee', but I have developed a healthy relationship with this status and have my daughter, her family and 3 grand-daughters right next door that all love me and welcome me any time. As far as sleeping with a companion, my poodle is just fine. That's why I got a standard poodle, so there's a little something to her, not some teensie ball of fluff that yaps. My standard is big enough to actually feel like another living form. There is no one next to me that snores or takes my covers. I actually savor this time and love being in my cozy nest and never feel "oh, I wish there was someone next to me".
The only time I wish I had a partner is to do projects together, enjoy this lovely place that I live and team up to get things done on the property. Also, someone to plan fun road trips with and to enjoy the sharing of a combined income. I've already had the times of YEARNING to share moments of joy with my children as they were growing up, and YEARNING to just be held and cuddled, and YEARNING to share my healthy libido with. But those days passed and here I am, still in fine shape and looking youthful despite my years on the planet and catastrophies survived.
I am a writer, photographer and painter. Three solitary activities that promote aloneness. I won't call it 'loneliness'. I went through and sometimes still feel lonely, but it doesn't run my life or dictate how my day will go. What I don't have is someone who wants to change me into their idea of what they want, which I've gone through this with every relationship I gave myself over to. I never could quite be accepted in the long term for the me that attracted the guy in the first place. I've been married twice so I don't have to ever worry about that stigma title of "spinster". I'm certainly not fat, lazy and unattractive. In fact, my attractiveness works to my detriment: guys just really wanna fuck me. Oh yeah, I'm an interesting character and it fascinates them, but mainly, they can't get past their dick's reaction to me and that is NOT fun.
I do have certain skills that provide pleasure despite my personal lack of libidic yearnings. I am told that I actually excel at one particular skill that I will decline to comment further on. So I have the pleasure of knowing I can provide this amazing 'service', despite being traded in for a woman who takes it in the #*$&#* and the length of who's arms can manipulate everything at once while being penetrated at the same time. But sex is all this woman wants and the L word is the way to run her off.
It's all a trade off in this 'market' thing. I just feel relieved that I'm ok just living my life and having no agenda other than covering my expenses, not being a 'rescue' case and keeping healthy. Libido health, well, that's like an extreme financial fortune - I can live happily without either and still be ok. After all, I've made it through this far, living every form (well most forms) of the dramas and hard-ships that come with single parenting without either financial or emotional support from the dad, the dad's family or my own parents. AND....both my daughters turned out to be healthy, beautiful women who have successful marriages, are excellent mothers and express strong family values who are not addicted to any substances that curtail their health or life. Not a bad turn out for being raised by just lil' old me (and daily building of a strong spiritual foundation on which to build their lives).
That all said, I'm off to walk my dog and finish my morning coffee, which by the way, I make the best coffee anyone has ever tasted, I'm told by lots of people.....and I'm not sad to have to share it with me, myself and I.
GOOD MORNING from the EL CHE CAFE! This new day has brought relief from the dark portal through which I have been trekking. When in such a portal, it's like the radio waves/cell reception from one's higher self cannot be received, as the signal cannot penetrate the darkness. Hence, we tumble like a fallen surfer in the wave.
This passage has taught me to remember many things: at the onset of this 'adventure', I was informed with the other Reiki students that following our initiations, there is what is called a
21-day cleanse. This means that for the 21 days following the initiation into the intent to heal oneself so to assist with the healing of others within the 'wings' of the Reiki channel. The symptoms of this vary from pleasant moments or visiting one's personal depths of HELL. My experience was the latter of these two extremes, with not a moment of the former so far.
"The LIGHT (of Reiki) is already within us already, but now we are CHOOSING the path of healing, ourselves and others, and by that intention and through the power of the Reiki initiations, our channel is exponentially stronger, which means whatever issues, challenges or old patterns that have been in the realm of the subconscious has the opportunity to come to the surface and if it feels right you may re-experience an old hurt or a past bitterness or disappointment that has needed your attention for a long time. Then it can be released into the Reiki wave, but you may have to feel it first. None of us like that part!" - the teacher further writes in this recommendation -- "I'd rather just get the awareness and move on, but it has been my experience that some things actually take a life of their own, and sabotage other areas."
So this is the essence of the cause of this HELL WEEK (or weeks as this is) I have chosen to look at as a portal. It will be a NEW & IMPROVED me that emerges, because I am processing some ancient stuff that I actually tried to process correctly as I went to avoid a huge pile of un-closed issues & stuff. The last time I had every last piece of subconscious muck hit me all at the same time, ironically, was the head injury sustained in that car-crash that in my previous blog shared that I learned can impose a bipolar condition in a person that does not previously have it. (Genetic predisposition to depression disorders can make such an imposition happen in from head trauma). This fact made me feel better for about five minutes during my trek thru said HELL. I'll never forget the overwhelm at feeling all this stuff at once. The brain is designed, I had learned, to process things as it goes, and not have it all heaped on you at once. This causes TILT to take over. TILT mode sucks. It is the paralysis catalyst.
Reading this Reiki Cleanse letter, visiting the Naturopathic clinic, learning the cause of the bipolar condition in my case, being under the wing of my Reiki teacher through this, and having much success and ah-ha moments with Louise Hauck with whom I have been apprenticing for 6 weeks, all are great guideposts along this perilous journey to ensure that the ME that emerges from this REIKI PURIFICATION will have been well worth all this darkness to endure.
I can share another interesting little tidbit that adds to the intensity of it all. Although I have not shared on any public platform the continuing adventures of my relationship with the one my book introduced to any of you that has read it, or know me personally, this REIKI has had an effect on the healing mechanisms within his energetic matrix that have also been felt through my energetic matrix. We are the energetic partners in healing. My REIKI teacher even saw his eyes look at her during the fourth initiation into this first level. She had never heard of this person's earthly incarnation either. It's not a light matter to accommodate a healing of a being on another dimension. It also had an eye opening effect of this wise and incredible sage who is my teacher to realize my initiation with her was illustrating that REIKI actually can initiate the power with one who has already passed.
Sound too far out there for any of you? Think that these could be the ramblings of yet another bipolarly imbalanced disordered mid-life crisis, empty nest, post-meno woman who has no mortal partner, but would rather entertain in the safety of one without an actual body? All the more reason you should order up THE CHE DIARIES, continue to read my blog, be willing to look at the limitations your judgments and opinions of what is unknown to you and be open to allowing your own childlike imagination guide that stodgy old adult you believe you have become and entertain the possibility that just maybe, what you believe could be not it at all.
After the initial absolute-too weird for even me- line of thinking. After throwing the oars out of the raft, that kept me rowing as hard as I could AGAINST the flow of the river of life because I was told I had to to be a good person. After finally getting it that you can have fun flowing with the current which will make our life easier. After finally believing that 'you can have a joyous life and you don't have to continue struggling'.......the pressure has lifted. I'm getting to day 21 of the ass-kicking purification. Bring on the JOY!
